Declassified Near-Facts

2002
Veep Cheney is in the Mideast, going to 11 countries, discussing terrorism. But  he’s not going to Israel. He’s discussing with people who might have supported  terrorism, not with the terrorists themselves.

Enron

At Arthur Anderson there was never an order to shred, and the order has been inadvertently destroyed. By friendly fire.

The effort to raise automobile fuel efficiency will face stiff opposition from soccer moms and pickup pops. In other words, being for the environment  is anti-family.

What the Race to the Base Meant

People accuse us of fomenting a race to the bottom, chasing the cheapest labor. I admit, we’re bottom-feeders, but to be fair, we do feed the bottom. If it wasn’t  for us, they wouldn’t be eating. They’d be unionizing. And therefore out of a job.

Sweatshops

Many young men have asked me, What is Victoria’s secret? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s that her clothes are made by young ladies in Malaysia. (That’s Spanish for bad Asia). Of course, sweatshops occupy a place in American history, if not precisely an honored place. But then they were eliminated. Well, that was before they were brought back.

You can criticize sweatshops all you want, but there’s nothing  we can do about them, because we don’t own them. We decided not to own our own factories. And we saved a lot of money. And put it all into advertising. Now,  you could criticize Granted, you’re not a bunch of cattle. Of course not You’re sheep. You’re sheep. advertising. But nobody’s thought of that, according to  law. The youth of today have grown up completely surrounded by advertising. Even in the classroom. And yet some of these kids have turned out to be anti-globalizationites. I blame the teachers. And the books. And reality.

Basically, people who are against corporate sponsorship are just mad because they didn’t think of it first. Because they didn’t think of putting logos all over their clothes and going to college and being the first corporate-sponsored college student. It’s a type of a scholarship with  scholarship.  And you didn’t think of having your wedding sponsored. You’re just jealous.

We’re starting a new company, Non-Commodified Experiences Inc.  Some of you don’t want brands all over you. Just tattoos. But we could pay for those  tattoos for you. In return for a small underwriting credit. We consider the non-branded sector a niche market.  Now granted, you’re not a bunch of cattle. Of course not. You’re sheep.

You know, by wearing Nikes, you may not win the Boston Marathon. But you will  become youthful and exuberant and get all the chicks. And you’ll be a revolutionary, fighting against—other brands. In short, you will Just Do It. Some would say we’re shoe fetishists. Which is an update of foot fetishists. But I don’t think so. That shoe doesn’t fit. So you must acquit.

In order to make money, you’ve got to spend money. You’ve got to buy politicians. Where do our profits come from? Well, like the business of America, that’s none of your business.

As for monopolies, first of all, what are the last four letters in that word?  Think about it. But not too much.  Secondly, the only way you can stand in  the way of monopolies is anti-trust legislation, and I think trust is a good  thing. I have a lot of trust. Well, I have several.

By the way, this portion of the show has been brought to you by the Bureau for the Underwriting of Trade Talks Outside Unauthorized Tampering, or BUTT OUT. And by Coca-Cola: We’re not THAT kind of coke. Anymore.

The Environment, Such As It Was

Logging, mining and development projects have very little appeal. In fact, according to a new law, there will be no appeals of these projects at all. We’re unable to improve the health of the forests because the environmentalists keep trying to get us to do so. This is a clearcut case. But we are sensitive to the feelings of the forest. We are compassionate clearcutters. But we have to get into this process with the determination and grit of a Trojan horse.

Now it’s true that nuclear power plants make a good terrorist target, even though they are of course impregnable. They’re a good target because the enviros have shut so many of them down, they’re now concentrated in a few places. So we are building six new ones, to make it harder for the terrorists to, well, to choose.

License

Singing CIA Agent George Shrub Explains the World Away Copyright © by davelipp. All Rights Reserved.

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