On Cultural Imperialism

Remarks to “The Low Down, ” Radio JJJ, Australia

Q: Before we get into the cultural questions, can you tell us why you’re selling wheat to traditional Australian markets?

A: It’s a free taste of free trade. The first one’s always free.

Q: Can you explain your destabilization of the Gough Whitlam government in the Seventies?

A: Well, we found out Mr. Whitlam was about to sell our military bases to someone else. I assume he was, otherwise why would he want us out—just to have them for himself? No. So we were forced, with a heavy heart, to assist in a structural adjustment of Mr. Whitlam and rescue Australia from its better judgment.

Q: In your view, was there a culture in Australia in the first place, before the one you’re now Coca-Colonizing?

A: Yes, but of course the immigrants took care of that. They brought their own cultures with them, in case there was not sufficient culture there when they arrived. So they should be no strangers to cultural invasion, although we prefer to think of it as a cultural rescue, just as Columbus rescued the Western Hemisphere from the Red Empire.

But I think Australia has a lot to offer, with its many different ethnic groups all, shall we say, full of ideas about each other. I think of it as a beacon to the world, in this day of increased contact with so many cultures. It’s critical that we develop critiques of each other’s cultures so we can decide which one to keep. And which ones to abridge. A Readers Digest of culture, that’s the goal. For people who don’t have the time or patience to plough through the whole gamut of cultures.

Q: Is it a question of cultural bombardment, or are people lapping it up?

A: To re-spin the question: Does the cultural rescue take the form of a bombardment, through superior financial firepower, aircraft carriers loaded with the latest products made fashionable by the infantry squads of advertisers? Or are we just giving the people what they’ve been informed they want? We’re going to help you out with your archaic expressions by standardizing the International American language. No more of this gooday and goodag nonsense. We’ll teach you to say “Hi, how ya doin?” and “Gee, sure, wow, gosh” and other useful greetings.

And of course, you’ll all buy American, for instance, cars made in America, like Toyota. You already use the dollar, that’s good, though it’s got some funny pictures of foreigners and foreign animals on it, so we’ll have to straighten that out.

You see, traditionally, culture is handed down. It’s not genetic, but it’s in your jeans, so why settle for hand-me-down culture when you can buy new jeans, a new culture, being invented as we speak in the cultural meccas of Wall Street and Disneyland. Yes: Euro-Disney promises to open new vistas of culture to the backward peoples of Europe, mired in traditions that no longer strengthen the cultures there, and steel them for expansion and, well, stealing.


Singing CIA Agent George Shrub Explains the World Away Copyright © by davelipp. All Rights Reserved.

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