Press Conference

January 18, 1994

Shrub: Very sorry to be late. We had some technical difficulties. The heater was out of order in the swimming pool in my car.

Q: Mr. Shrub, isn’t that a bit of an extravagance?
A: Yeah, well, it was either that or feed Somalia and I figured hey, live a little! I’ll be happy to take your questions and offer you some sound bites, not to insult your intelligence, but just to, perhaps, dumb it down a bit. Yes, the gentleman from my—from the network.

Q: Do you have a statement to make on welfare reform?
A: I don’t believe in government handouts. Well, not to the poor.

Q: How about the health care crisis?
A: Yes, there’s been a great deal of suffering from the recent epidemic, but we feel we’ve turned a corner and have Vietnam Syndrome on the run.

Q: How about a single-payer health care system?
A: Well, granted, the Canadian system provides equal care for all, billed to the government, but to do that here would cost $500 billion. Nobody has that kind of money these days, aside from the health insurance industry. But you have to hand it to Bill, he’s really dealing with those companies, really giving them the business.

Q: Is it true that the Soviet Union used to mandate universal health coverage?
A: Yes, but they’re free now. They’re free to pay for health care of their own choosing, and if they can’t afford it, they’re free to leave, to go to a country where the inability to pay for health care is a long-cherished tradition.

Q: How do you feel about a convicted felon running for the Senate?
A: That’s unconstitutional.

Q: How about 0llie North?
A:  Look, I don’t believe in violating the constitution, but I’m not a bigot about it. Sometimes you have to destroy the constitution in order to save it.

Q: With the end of the Cold War, will we see a lessening of foreign intervention by our forces?
A: We don’t intervene. We just help our friends to defend the governments we gave them. In fact, we’re opposed to intervention. Especially government intervention in the free market. Except for cutting edge industries, high technology research and development—that is, the Pentagon. But other countries must not do that, because it was our idea and it’s copyright.

Q: Some would call that imperialism.
A: Rubbish. These are single-crop, wholly owned oligarchies. That’s not imperialism. In fact, it’s the highest stage of capitalism.

Q: Some former Soviet citizens are complaining that they’re entering the capitalist world market at the bottom of the food chain, so to speak.
A: The Russians are proud to wave their new McDonald’s flag. It’s true they have to start out like Mexico, but they will climb the ladder until they’re like us: giving jobs to Mexico. That’s the markup of the magic place.

Q: What about the charge that there are hidden costs to our system not recognized in the usual statistics?
A: Well, our system does casualize, collaterally, through malnutrition, homelessness, etc. , some 40-80 million people annually, including large numbers who are neither terrorists nor drug lords. But that’s not our invention. It’s always been that way, from the days of the Roman Empire, through the Ottoman and British empires, right down to the American example of freedom today. We’ve come a long way. We have a pluralist system—some would say two-faced. I myself am of two minds about this. That’s why I speak with a forked tongue.

Q: You mention homelessness. Is enough being done about this problem?
A: You know, we used to be number one in housing in the world. Well, in automobile fan housing. But this a problem I prefer to have created rather than to dwell on. Why dwell on people who don’t even dwell?

Q: It’s been pointed out that a large number of the homeless are racial minorities.
A: Come on, give us a break. There may be racism in the media, among the police, in the government and in some sectors of the populace, but at least it’s not institutionalized in society.

Q: Aren’t you just blaming the victim?
A: Hey look, you have to be carefully taught to hate, and I’m here to serve. That’s all for today, folks. Until we meet again, be good. One of us has to.


Singing CIA Agent George Shrub Explains the World Away Copyright © by davelipp. All Rights Reserved.

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