The Clinton Divide

March, 1993

When the new President gave his first joint address to Congress, I noticed he didn’t inhale. More power to him. The reaction of the leftist-overs to the ascension to power of the Democratic Ultra-Left has divided into two tendencies. One group, exhausted by a twelve-year battle against the Forces of Right, is ecstatic over the ozone-coddling, baby-killing, Metrically Correct forces now hugging and high-fiving their way up and down the corridors of power.

These are the Clintonistas. They salivate over their new-found power to force adopting parents to give preference to gay babies and later, of course, to have affairs with them.

In this Brave New World Order there’ll be no more praying in the schools, except of course by the lesbian priests. The Feminazis are in control now, and let me tell you, those are not the kind of nazis we want in charge up there. The Clintonistas have declared the elections to be a mandate for women. Well, that’s better than a mandate for men, like in the military.

But what’s all this about family leave? How can you have family values if the family leaves? On the other hand, if you destroy some families, I suppose the remaining ones are worth more. That’s supply-side family values as I understand them.

On the other side of the Clinton Divide you have the people who feel that just because a politician has been elected, for some reason he’s not likely to overthrow the government. These cynics like to point out that Mr. Clinton’s group, the Democratic Leadership Council, was backed financially by Georgia Pacific, the Tobacco Institute, the Petroleum Institute, Arco and Dow. In other words, you may have rolled over and voted for Clinton but my boys backed him with a big roll. You may be Greens, but we’ve got the green stuff. You may be Friends of Bill, but I paid the Bill.

It’s often hard to tell which is the real Bill because he has a tendency to be all things to all people. I’ll be only too happy to help him select. Hey, I’m people too. More or less. I may not wear my pants backwards, but I’m still wearing the pants in this country, Hillary notwithstanding. And we’re going to continue pantsin’ the world because, since the demise of the Soviets, we are the world’s only Superpants.

Somalia: With Operation Restore Hype, we are helping the world to realize that we’re actually good guys in disguise. We have every right to go in there and disarm those gangs—after all, we armed them. We’re going to get in and get out. We don’t need a base there. We already have a land-based aircraft carrier, the Kuwait. Having established ourselves as military-civilian humanitarians, we’ll hear no complaints when we save Cuba. There will be complaints, but we won’t hear them.

Gays In The Military: Next thing you know there’ll be gays in the FBI, wearing dresses! Betting on horses! Denying the existence of the Mafia! There’ll be gay privates showing themselves, showing their privates to corporals doing corporal punishment, S&M style with the gay drum majors. Sailors will go out and hook the wrong tail.

Clinton doesn’t get it. He’s never been in the military. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be showering down and have one of your buddies come up behind you and pat you on the back, softly. He doesn’t know the pain.

We will not tolerate sexual harassment of men in the military. And as Chaperon-General Bob Dole pointed out, if gays are allowed in, meaning in and out, there could be loss of life in the military. And we all know that’s not what the military’s for—it’s for the loss of other people’s lives. Friendly fire’s one thing, but gay fire, whoa! On the other hand, if they’re willing to go out there and casualize for America, I suppose they can do whoever they want in their casual time. And I do sympathize: it’s harder to be gay than black. Think about it: if you’re black, at least you don’t have to tell your mother.


Singing CIA Agent George Shrub Explains the World Away Copyright © by davelipp. All Rights Reserved.

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