US-Australia Futures: Colonization or Annexation?


With all the recent divorces in the Royal Family, the question has been raised whether Australia shouldn’t perhaps seek a divorce from the entire family—nay, from the Union Jack itself. And as an American, I think I can say without accusation of conflict of interest that it would be a splendid step forward to see the Stars and Stripes in your flag.

Great Britain is not, after all, so Great as it once was. In fact, it is a little known fact that the sun does now occasionally set on the British Empire. Do you want to be set on? Of course not. So get with it, that is, us. You already get so many benefits from your fortunate geographic position within our cultural orbit (we are neighbors, after all, sharing the same ocean). You have McDonalds, the Today Show—really, how did you ever get along before?

Some have questioned whether our cultural relations are not simply a bombardment. Well, the free market often looks that way, and no one knows why. Look, so you suffer a few losses—Janet Jackson replaces your indigenous Janets with her superior videopower, Kentucky Fried Chicken replaces prawns on the barbie or your local special wombat stew recipe. If people didn’t want their old, worn-out culture replaced with a shiny new one, they could simply refuse to buy. In other words, it’s a freely imposed culture. The markup of the magic place. Pirate Enterprise.

And McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried are just New World Hors D’oeuvres. Don’t get all excited, it could take a while, but we’re looking at renaming all your streets and cities. Well, just the ones that aren’t in English, so you’ve got a head start on some of the other countries around you that are still using outmoded foreign languages. Radical? No—just a modest proposal from a moderate free marketeer. But we’re not talking hegemony here. There’s room for lots of diversity: McDonald’s and Burger King. Levi’s and Guess. Time and Newsweek. There’s room for everyone, just as there was room for the Native Americans right alongside the free marketeers from Spain for at least three or four days in October, 1492.

Look at the former Soviets, tearing down statues of Lenin and putting up statues of Madonna. When you think about it, it’s one planet, we’re one species, so I figure, one culture should just about do it.


Singing CIA Agent George Shrub Explains the World Away Copyright © by davelipp. All Rights Reserved.

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